Statling Developments!

NOTE: I actually wrote this on October 31st, but just never got around to posting it. That's right, my time is just so damn important that I don't even have time to copy and paste something. Some cocky sum-on-a-bitch, eh? Jason Crisp.

This just in:

While killing time (or trying to, anyways) at work, I checked out my junk mail box in hotmail. Much to my surprise, due most likely to a MAJOR oversight by the fine people at Microsoft (they will be getting a letter), a piece of mail which could be described as anything but junk had ended up in my e-dustbin!

Surely you have all heard of the solicitor and investment advisor Williams Joeffrey Ruphus esq.?

What do you mean, “WTF?!”? Are you telling me you have not in fact heard of him, and that that he is a fictitious creation, meant to somehow scam the naïve and impressionable out of money and/or credit information? Well, sirs and madams, I have a question for you: when was the last time someone that didn’t exist offered you a chance at millions of euros (I assume those are some sort of currency or at least a type of small rodent…I don’t read*)?

I thought so, bitches.

Anyways without further adieauoie(sometimes Y), I give you the first of what I can only imagine will be dozens of communiqués between myself and brave sir Williams (his first name is pluralized…beat that, ING Direct!). I have, of course, left out information regarding Mr. Esq’s email, as he contacted me in confidence, and I would never betray that bond that we share.

From: Williams Joeffrey Ruphus esq.

The inspiration to contact
you is simply divineprovidence,I am making this proposition because I have to
seek thepartnership of a resource person to help me realise this
project.

I am Williams Joeffrey Ruphus esq a solicitor and
investmentconsultant based in london, United Kindom. I was attending a
businessluncheon in Berlin,Germany and I got introduced to the renowned
Germanbusinessman and property mogul, Mr Andreas Schranner(of the
blessedmemory).
He engaged my services as attorney and
investmentconsultant and my primary assignment was to spearhead his
investmentforays in the United Kingdom.three months later I invited him to
Londonand under my professional guidance and based on my advice he made afixed
deposit of 30,000,000,00EUR at with security companies inGermany and
Netherlands.
This deposit was for 12months and upon maturity Imade
effort to contact my client, I could not reach him or any memberof his family. I
was forced to travel to germany and there I got thetragic news that on July
25TH, 2000, my client Mr Andreas Schranner,his wife maria, their daughter Eich
and husband christian and their twochildren perished in the Air France concorde
New York bound flight;please click
here:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm

I
have made effort to locate any member of his familywith strong biological links
to my late client withoutsuccess.
The search to find a close relation is one
that has consumed time
and resources. The institution is asking me to
either present a next
of kin to late Andreas Schranner or forfiet the
depsosit. My proposal
is to you as next of kin to late Andreas Schranner and
process the
deposit and collect the deposits for our mutual
benefit.

My capacity as solicitor/investment consultant to mylate
client gives me the discretion to package and transfer the depositto
you.

I will give you 30% for your effort, 60% for me and10% for
Charity and Tsunami Victims. It will amount toinjustice if i do not take this
decisive step to secure this deposit,and invest it The late Schranner was also a
friend in addition to ourbusiness relationship.
I will wait for your
reaction and response and thentogether we can jumpstart this project and nurture
it to reality.

Please, make sure you respond through this my
confidential emailaddress:
Your swift response is
anticipated.

Yours faithfully

Williams Joeffrey Ruphus
esq.

I think I am going to cry.

Poor little Eich. She had so much to live for, and boom…a well publicized and easily-linkable disaster took her little German life. The world has become slightly less brutal and organized.

Anyways, I am just writing to let you know, in advance, that soon I will be corresponding from my very own personal solid-gold yacht (or at least from under a pile of small rodents, if my second guess was more accurate), and that you mustn’t let jealousy get the best of you. Not everyone is lucky enough to have best friends as clever, faithful, or English as Williams.

Sucks about the poor grammar and formatting, but this is a stressed man we are dealing with; it is not every day that whatever happened here happens, people.

Anyways, I’m off to start spending money.

Best to you and all of yours!

Dykos

*Yes, Dyko is in fact unable to read. To update his blog, he simply forms rudimentary sentences which he dictates to a typer-monkey. That is what he calls his oldest son. (I hate you, dad)