By popular* demand...

Dyko vs The 20-Centimeter Monkey

Let me paint a picture. It is the summer of '97, and our hero is but a scant 162 months old. Everyone is listening to the powerhouse that is Big Shiny Tunes 2, and our hero is no different. Armed with his CD player, Dyko embarks with his family on the second of many camping trips to Kingston, Ontario. This particular year would stand out in his mind forever, though. This year, he would encounter his greatest foe to-date. This year, he would face, the 20-Centimeter Monkey.

It should be mentioned at this point that Kingston is a very different place, than, say, suburban Toronto. Being up north, the city seems to brim with friendlyness that is all but foreign to those of us living in the T-Dot (a term that will never be used in this or any blog henceforth). Looking back, this writer has difficulty actually remembering *what* Kingston looks like, as it has combined with Orillia, Midland, North Bay, and Moosonee into a sort of northern-Ontario-small-town imalgum, but suffice it to say that it is likely a pleasant place, that probably has an entraining main street filled with interesting stores, and most likely a harbour down by the waterfront. One might find a chip-wagon, or ice cream truck by the docks, and can probably get reasonably-priced, homestyle breakfasts from a diner that may-or-may-not be on one of the street corners. Dyko most likely enjoyed eating at these places, as they are likely to be nice, if they do, in fact, exist.

Enough of that, on with the story.

Being a lad of science, Dyko often enjoyed trips to zoos, as it gave him a chance to be outdorrs, walk around, and see all kinds of crazy critters. While travelling with his kinsfolk through the town of Smith's Falls, a signpost was spotted along the side of the road, which boasted "Zoo". To not visit this place would be near-criminal, so the Dyko clan decided it was best to visit this place.

Without going into too much detail, this zoo was a terrible, terrible place. The cages were tiny, the animals, sickly, and over-all, other than being spread around some very nice property, there was little that this zoo had to offer. Young master Dyko thought this, until he saw something that would change his life forever. It was a cage, maybe 3 feet long, 2 feet wide, and another 3 feet tall. Around the top, made of painted wood, was a...thing...giving the cage a sort of circus-like appearance.

This pleased Dyko.

Stepping closer to this cage, which was already shaping up to be the most entertaining thing at the zoo, Dyko spotted a delightful scamp of a creature housed inside. It was a monkey! Not just any monkey, but a wee 20-centimeter-tall monkey! Oh, how adorable he was, thought Dyko. He stared out from behind the bars, his small, black, sad eyes saying more than monkey noises ever could. Dyko knew what he had to do. Coming right up to the cage (this zoo did not have it in their budget to actually put any sort of fences or barriers around the cages. The monkey cage was, in fact, just kind of standing in the middle of a grassy area), Dyko presented a banana (the account of where the banana came from has been lost over time and alchohol).

This pleased our monkey.

Breaking off a bit of banana, Dyko held it out, presenting it to his simple friend. In a moment not unlike a scene depicted on the ceilling of the Sistine Chapel, Dyko and monkey exchanged gifts. To monkey, Dyko gave the gift of banana, and to Dyko, monkey presented the gift of joy.

All was well in the world.

A second piece of banana was offered, and, again, the two shared a moment.

It is at this time that Fortuna's wheel took a drastic turn downward, as things went terribly wrong.

It is not known what went through monkey's head; did Dyko wrong him in some way? Was there some sort of monkey faux-pas commited by the Dyko? This may never be known. What is known, though, is the account of what happened during the third banana presentation, which shall be described in its entirety presently:

The banana was presented as the previous two had been, but with a single difference. You see, with each fruit exchange, young Dyko's courage grew, and he stepped closer towards the cage. At this point, Dyko was less than an arm's length away from the cage. He led the foodstuffs out for monkey to retrieve, when suddenly, flames burst in monkey's once sad eyes. Monkey let out a screech, smacked the banana from Dyko's hand, and grabbed, with his tiny little monkey hand, Dyko's young index finger! If this had just been a simple banana smack and finger grab, things would ahve been fine, and this story would never exist. The fact of the matter is that monkey was not content in just grabbing Dyko's finger, and so, with all of the strength in his tiny little body, Monkey pulled Dyko in towards the cage, where his tiny deceitful mouth lay waiting, with row-upon-row of razor-sharp teeth ready to feast on man-flesh!

Though he was still but a lad, our hero, Dyko, sensing what was going through trecherous monkey's tiny little mind, decided that this course of events would not stand.

Dyko quickly pulled back, releasing himself from monkey's death-grip with relative ease. Luckily for our hero, monkey weighed, at most 7 pounds (soaking wet), so though his rage knew no bounds, monkeywas still limited by the physical attributes given to him my his monkey god.

After freeing himself from his tiny captor, Dyko threw the remainder of the banana into the cage, and hurried hence from the cage, feeling what he assumed was monkey's fury-filled eyes staring at him from inside his enclosure. It's never been discovered what exactly happened between Dyko and monkey that would cause such a falling out, but suffice it to say, the friendship ended then and there.

And so ends the tale of Dyko vs The 20-Centimeter Monkey. This writer hopes that if nothing else, this story helped to educate those of you who might be taken in by the excitement and glamour that a monkey friend might promise, because in the end, as this story shows, such things are simply not meant to be.

End.

*In order to register as "Popular Demand", 1/3 of the readership must agree. Since I have 3 readers, James demanding it counts as majority.